Post by Kuat on Mar 31, 2008 16:47:53 GMT -8
NYC has induced an angry videogame nerd-esque rage in me. Two things are certain for 90% of restaurants here: the food blows like a $5 dollar hooker, and costs like a million dollar madam. There are a number of factors for this, but one has recently stuck out to me. What I really can't stand is the "health food" craze. For some reason, someone, somewhere, has ingrained in the American mentality that healthy food has to taste like cardboard.
This, I can tell you, is high order bullshit. Now, while we can all agree that fried foods taste awesome, delicious is not always fried or fatty. Last time I checked, cilantro had no fat in it. Basil is essentially calorie free. Turmeric is 0 carbs (or fat, or protein), and actually protects against Alzheimer's! Lemons and Limes are no enemy of health. So what's with health food's war on taste?
No where is this conflict more evident than the only food in my recent hospital, Au Bon Pain. Now, the French name should tip you off to the larger iceberg of crap in store. The name alone seems to get up on a platform to proclaim: "not reasonably priced" "full of itself" "eating here is perfect for assholes with a macbook". Like the mac, Au Bon Pain shares one quality: style over substance. Which, in the case of food, earns my special ire. Dressed in the spandex of being healthy, it frolics to and fro over the corpse of flavor.
The food, for what it's worth, looks darn tasty, and smells like actually edible material. In fact, I'd say if the food tasted like it smelled, I'd actually call it a good restaurant. However, in a move that baffles neuroscience, the smell has no bearing on the flavor. As we all know (or knew, until Au Bon came and kicked our brains in the pituitary), smell is essential in the perception of flavor.
The scientists over at Au Bon (because I'd never call those shitfuckers cooks), have somehow formulated a way to create a taste that neutralizes what smells like a hearty sausage-and-cheese soup to... one microliter of velveeta dropped into a cup of water with balls of rubber in it. Seriously, it's a fucking nobel worthy wonder how deceptive the smell is. It's almost like above every pot there is a portal to a real restaurant where the smell actually emanates from.
In fact, I bet this is all GlaDOS's going. The cake is a lie here as well, being that it's really a hunk of sponge with grout frosting.
To think, there used to be a McDondal's there, until some dumbasses went and protested because it was unhealthy.
Congratulations inbreds, you've won a shitty craphole! Now people will go elsewhere to get reasonable food, albeit now we have to make a sojourn outside the hospital instead of actual convenience. This is the fucking Bronx, not god damned midtown filled with poser college asshole, idiotic rich housewives and shallow businessmen. ALL the people in the hospital get a government handout of some sort, or else they wouldn't be in a shitty county hospital. So why?
Why do you put a place where it's
NINE
FUCKING
DOLLARS
for a bite sized sandwich.
I have a simple question for those in charge of this wondrous decision:
Are my eyes a display?
Do I have a numberpad on my face?
Is my mouth a cardswiper?
Is my rear end a slot where money comes out?
Do I pee out transactions?
No.
Do you know why?
BECAUSE I'M NOT A FUCKING ATM YOU STUPID WHORESONS! I DO NOT HAVE AN ENDLESS FLOW OF MONEY SPEWING FROM MY ORIFICES! I'M A POOR ASS STUDENT IN DEBT YOU COCKLESS PILLOWBITERS! GIVE ME FOOD THAT DOESN'T EXTENT MY DEBT TO MY CHILDREN! AT LEAST GIVE ME FOOD, NOT SHIT THAT NEEDS TWO TONS OF PEPPER TO GIVE IT AN ACTUAL TASTE.
FUUUUCCCKK YOOOOOOUUUU AU MAL PAIN!!!!
This, I can tell you, is high order bullshit. Now, while we can all agree that fried foods taste awesome, delicious is not always fried or fatty. Last time I checked, cilantro had no fat in it. Basil is essentially calorie free. Turmeric is 0 carbs (or fat, or protein), and actually protects against Alzheimer's! Lemons and Limes are no enemy of health. So what's with health food's war on taste?
No where is this conflict more evident than the only food in my recent hospital, Au Bon Pain. Now, the French name should tip you off to the larger iceberg of crap in store. The name alone seems to get up on a platform to proclaim: "not reasonably priced" "full of itself" "eating here is perfect for assholes with a macbook". Like the mac, Au Bon Pain shares one quality: style over substance. Which, in the case of food, earns my special ire. Dressed in the spandex of being healthy, it frolics to and fro over the corpse of flavor.
The food, for what it's worth, looks darn tasty, and smells like actually edible material. In fact, I'd say if the food tasted like it smelled, I'd actually call it a good restaurant. However, in a move that baffles neuroscience, the smell has no bearing on the flavor. As we all know (or knew, until Au Bon came and kicked our brains in the pituitary), smell is essential in the perception of flavor.
The scientists over at Au Bon (because I'd never call those shitfuckers cooks), have somehow formulated a way to create a taste that neutralizes what smells like a hearty sausage-and-cheese soup to... one microliter of velveeta dropped into a cup of water with balls of rubber in it. Seriously, it's a fucking nobel worthy wonder how deceptive the smell is. It's almost like above every pot there is a portal to a real restaurant where the smell actually emanates from.
In fact, I bet this is all GlaDOS's going. The cake is a lie here as well, being that it's really a hunk of sponge with grout frosting.
To think, there used to be a McDondal's there, until some dumbasses went and protested because it was unhealthy.
Congratulations inbreds, you've won a shitty craphole! Now people will go elsewhere to get reasonable food, albeit now we have to make a sojourn outside the hospital instead of actual convenience. This is the fucking Bronx, not god damned midtown filled with poser college asshole, idiotic rich housewives and shallow businessmen. ALL the people in the hospital get a government handout of some sort, or else they wouldn't be in a shitty county hospital. So why?
Why do you put a place where it's
NINE
FUCKING
DOLLARS
for a bite sized sandwich.
I have a simple question for those in charge of this wondrous decision:
Are my eyes a display?
Do I have a numberpad on my face?
Is my mouth a cardswiper?
Is my rear end a slot where money comes out?
Do I pee out transactions?
No.
Do you know why?
BECAUSE I'M NOT A FUCKING ATM YOU STUPID WHORESONS! I DO NOT HAVE AN ENDLESS FLOW OF MONEY SPEWING FROM MY ORIFICES! I'M A POOR ASS STUDENT IN DEBT YOU COCKLESS PILLOWBITERS! GIVE ME FOOD THAT DOESN'T EXTENT MY DEBT TO MY CHILDREN! AT LEAST GIVE ME FOOD, NOT SHIT THAT NEEDS TWO TONS OF PEPPER TO GIVE IT AN ACTUAL TASTE.
FUUUUCCCKK YOOOOOOUUUU AU MAL PAIN!!!!
